Monday, March 23, 2009

Jokes, People

Editor's Note: I recently submitted some jokes to a local comedian. He didn't use any of them, but it's definitely a working relationship in progress. I'll post the stuff he doesn't use on my blog from time to time. This is just fun exercise for me.

Chris Brown and Rihanna are in the news everyday, are they together, are they split up. I'm not here to talk about guilt or innocence, because anyone who's been in a real relationship knows that things can get out of hand. But if anything, this should be a lesson to every guy out there.

Men, we have only two options, either be true to your girl, don't ever lie to her, and just be honest, or if you're gonna just be a nasty, low, trifling, two-timing dog, don't own a cell phone. Plain and simple.

Cause think about it, Chris got caught with a 3-page text from his lover, and that's what set Rihanna off. Now first of all, who has the time and the hand eye coordination to type out a 3-page text? Was she texting him a love letter or a book report?

And guys, learn a quick lesson. If you're gonna be tricking, that cell phone is like a portable incriminating evidence device. Girls can use the GPS to figure out where you were, track numbers and messages to figure out who you're with, and if you got a video camera, that can be used as surveilance footage. Your girl be flipping through your pictures like
—"who is this b---- you're hugging up on?"
—“Baby, that's me and your momma at the Christmas party. Why you trippin?"
—“I'm gettin suspicious.”

Guys, if you're drunk dialing your booty call on your own cell phone, that's on record somewhere. When you're done, you might as well mass text everyone saying “I'm a douch. I'm drunk dialing and when my girl sneaks through my phone records at the end of the month, you'll be getting this same text message from her phone.”

Girls ain't playing. My girl keeps a tight grip on my cell phone, like it was a crack pipe. She grabs it as soon as I walk in the door like "Lemme see that thing!” Checks every text and questions it like "Who is this Denise b---- texting you at 10:30 at night?"
—"Baby that's my sister you know that"
—“Well, tell her not to be texting so late. I'm gettin' suspicious."

Those are my three least favorite words these days, "I'm gettin' suspicious." My girl always uses that one.

Because girls know that phone should be on your hip, and if it's not, it's because your pants are off. So they know you better pick up by that fourth ring. Otherwise they're saying "I'm getting' suspicious."

But back to Chris Brown, it's like dude needs to pay attention to his elders. That's the problem with the new R&B artists, they don't take enough lessons from the old school, man.

I guarantee you, that would not have happened to Smokey Robinson. Smokey woulda laid it down all smooth like "Mistakes, I know I've made a few/ but I'm only human, you've made mistakes too."

Chris was singing to Rihanna like "She want that slappy-slappy, that fist-fist/How many times I gotta tell ya stop (in a high pitched voice) playin with me.”

And when the cops was coming, he's singing "Let me see if If run it, run it/I better just run it, run it."

That wouldn't have happened to the old school artists, well except for Al Green. Chris is just lucky he didn't end up with a bucket of hot grits on his back.

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